Monday, March 3, 2008

The Void

As I sit on the sofa with my two lovely dogs, feeling quite nauseous from the indian left overs I just consumed, I am reflecting on the past two days. As previously mentioned, this cycle was the first time that we really had everything together - good timing. My AF is due tomorrow & I am CD 30, DPO 15. First signs of AF are here this afternoon & I wonder how tomorrow could be any worse than today.

Yesterday the unthinkable happened. I (with Ryan's verification) received a positive result at 3-10 minutes with Answer Early Pregnancy test. I am freaking, but head off to work. So I remember I didnt take a picture of it so I call Ryan at home to tell him to. He tells me the line is getting more faint. Long story short, by 11pm the same night the line was gone & the internet had almost completely convinced me it was negative (something called a 'disappearing positive which equates to negative), but my next morning urine would for sure tell the truth. (I went and bought two other brands so that I could test all three together - my own little experiment) All 3 BFN. Gotta love it.

So I was doing okay until I got in the car to head home. All the sudden, I am thinking, "I need Ryan to take me to a nice restaurant" and "What can I go buy to make me feel better?" or the best one "A bottle of Cab would fix me right up." Then it hits me. I have a void. A void that I try to fill every month disappointment after disappointment with material things and ways to escape and not feel the feelings that I am so tired of feeling. I just want to be happy again. Not like smilely happy, but complete. Complete and content. I want to look forward to coming home. I want to look forward to my off time. I want to not resent the world and (although I hate to admit it) my God for not letting us have a family and have something to look forward to. I try to thank God everyday for all the blessings He has given me, I have been trying to leave things in his hands, but then everything creeps back into my mind & there I am burdened. Burdened with the what ifs and the how comes. There has been nothing in my life that has ever, ever affected me this much. (I love roller coasters, but damn this emotional roller coaster has about got the best of me today). I am usually what I consider to be a good coper, but I am questioning that today.

So life does go on. The question is how do I enjoy it during this process? How do I keep hope and faith in spite of being let down on the deepest level? How do I not think about it?

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