Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Prayer

In my last post I wrote about praying. Though I have started, sometimes I'm not sure what to say without feeling like I am bargaining with God, because that's obviously not the point. I ran across St. Theresa's prayer in a thread on fertilethoughts.com. Even though I'm not Catholic, I find it very calming.

"May today there be peace within.

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.

May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.

May you be content knowing you are a child of God.

Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of you."

Anyway, I really do love it and I think I'm going to copy it down to keep with me.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Trying....

It's strange. I remember an episode at the pediatricians office where I cried and puked and hid in the bathroom when it was time to get shots. (Embarrassingly enough, these were the immunizations necessary to enter high school. Yeah.) I also recall sitting in the mini-van with my dad at an interstate rest stop and watching with horror as an older diabetic gentleman gave himself insulin in the stomach in the parking lot. I remember how queasy it made me feel, like my knees were melting into my ankles.

I could never have imagined that I'd actually be excited, hopeful, and even grateful for the opportunity to stick myself with a damn needle in the stomach on a daily basis. Once you get over the psychological aspect of it, there's really nothing to it. But there is the hope.

The first two days of this cycle were the most depressing days of my entire life. The desperation I felt cannot be put into words, and cannot be understood, or even expected to be understood by anyone not in the same predicament. I honestly felt more sick than I did when my first husband left -- by a long shot. I had hoped to never feel that way again, and I certainly didn't think I'd ever feel worse.

Day One came the realization that this would be our last cycle -- at least for several months. The end of this month will be more than $10,000 spent TTC. We've got to stop the financial bleeding for a while; otherwise we'll end up too poor to support a child, even if we do get pregnant.

Day Two Jason and I were grocery shopping and we saw a little girl coming to or from her soccer game in pink striped knee-high socks and pigtails tied with pink ribbon. Her father was with her as the crossed in front of our car and into the store. I probably would have lost it anyway, but the fact that she had very dark shiny hair (I didn't even see her face) made me picture what our child might look like. It also made me sad for the fact that we may never take a child to soccer practice.

Today is Day Four. I'm trying very much to be happy. That's very hard when your happiness is pinned on something that you don't know if your body can provide. At this point I'm praying for lots of follicles. I don't care if I do have sextuplets and nothing in my life is ever my own again. That's something that a fertile person cannot understand -- that when all you dream of is a baby, your life is really not your own to begin with. Sure I'd love to go back to school, go horseback riding in Australia, spend two weeks in Jamaica, have a size eight body again. But how could you compare that to raising a child?

I have started praying again. I haven't prayed in a very long time for me. I've gone past the point of worrying that God might think I'm selfish for asking for something solely for us. I don't even know if you could call what I am doing "praying" as much as it is "begging." But it's a start.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

I just love Spring

So I am noticing how quickly CD 1 thru CD 12 goes by. If only the entire cycle would seem to go by at that same speed. I have printed my new calendar for April, ordered another IUI catheter, and checked stock on my other supplies - so I'm ready to go again, right? Well, I dont feel ready to go. I am trying to get back in my 'zone,' but I am struggling this month to get up the steam that I have had the previous two attempts. I think its a combination of worrying about money and just tired of being let down.

My goal for today is to find a multitude of things to distract me from thinking about TTC. From this point prior, I have been trying to pray and when I really want to let go, I have me a few cold ones (of course after 2ww). I need better coping. I also need to feel better about myself. These are things I have been feeling too sorry for myself to get started, but now is the time. So I have:

1. Praise and thank God daily for something regardless of how crappy I feel
2. Keep up on laundry
3. Work on my personal statement for residency
4. Cook dinner every other day
5. Go to the tanning bed 3-4 x a week
6. Do 15 minute workout video every morning before showering
7. Run 2-3 x a week
8. Eat generous amounts of veggies and nuts
9. Bury myself in clerkship duties

I think this is a great start. Okay now I am a bit excited. I must plan a schedule now to get all these things done. I have to hold myself accountable for my own good!

Thursday, April 3, 2008

I'm going to be an aunt... lovely

It has been just over 24 hours since I found out that my brother's wife is pregnant. You could say I didn't take the news very well but that would be an understatement. I couldn't breathe. I called Jason and spouted all the curse words I knew. I called Calee and left a sobbing ridiculous message on her voicemail. Then I called my brother's wife to congratulate her. I think I was a pretty convincing actress. I even tried to ask about her first doctors appointment when the question I really wanted to ask was where in the f*** were they planning on living when the baby came in nine months. When I asked her if she was taking vitamins and she seemed confused as to why a pregnant woman might want to do such a thing, I even tried to be helpful and tell her she could get over-the-counter prenatal vitamins until her doctor prescribed her some, instead of screaming her head off. When I found out she hadn't called yet to make her first appointment even though she'd been back a full day and half from being out of the country, I decided the conversation was over. "Well, congrats again and I'll see you guys... soon." I want soon to be here never. Eventually I am going to have to face my very pregnant sister-in-law at baby showers, family functions and the birth of my parents' first grandchild. Ugh.

I took another pregnancy test this morning, at 10dpiui. It was negative. I stopped by Dollar General and bought four more so that I can test every day until 14dpiui. If I haven't gotten my period by then, I'll call my RE and have her schedule a beta. I haven't started spotting yet {knock on wood} which is very encouraging since last time I started spotting at 9dpiui. But nothing. Not a smidgen of spotting. I felt very different at the beginning of this IUI, but the feeling of fullness and the cramping have subsided. I haven't a clue what that means.

When my mom called me this afternoon (once she learned that I had heard the news) she was insanely annoying. She said things like "don't stress or you will have a miscarriage when you get pregnant" (I'm being a lot more blunt than she was, but trust me, that's what her words translated to) and "your brother has a lot more than we did when we had you." Uh, yeah, but you didn't live in the apartment on your parents' property. Truly, there is no one who can understand infertility like infertile people. There's no other way around it. Jason's mom completely understood when he told her he was going to stay with me this weekend instead of going to visit them 8 hours away -- because she knows. Her sister, who is 8 years younger than her, had a baby before she did. Calee told me the story of how she found out her brother's girlfriend was pregnant.

Seriously, no one else gets it. And it's very hard not to be incredibly frustrated with them. I have no idea how I'm going to keep this up, and we've only been at it for two months. I feel so drained that sometimes I don't think there's much left. All I know is that I have never had to lean on anyone so much as I have Calee these past couple of days. I am so beyond thankful for her and so excited to see them both this weekend! Hopefully I don't leave mascara smears on her. :)