Wednesday, February 13, 2008

My cognitive behavioral therapy session with myself. Blogging is SO much cheaper than a therapist...

I thrive on those things in life that are not easy. I usually love to rise to an occasion and do that which seems difficult. I like to feel productive & useful. I don't like to feel self absorbed or bored, but accomplished. I live my out my career and marriage with only one goal - No regrets.

Why should infertility be any different? Why can I not step up to the plate and go for it? Make the fertility clinic appointments. Isn't it logical to say NO to work and YES to my future family? There is logically no better time than now given my career. I have been trying to figure out what is really holding me back. My thoughts are fear of failure and fear of what others will think. The fear of failure is on many, many levels. The fear of failure is ultimately defined by my ridiculous expectations I have for myself. (I have a goal to flesh these out more in the future). Fears that haven't stood in my way before, but do now... In my past experiences, these fears have served to motivate me, why is this different? I say my priorities are my family, but I am not practicing what I preach. Who am I to deny my youthful self and my dear husband of this opportunity out of fear?

I have got to catch myself as my thinking has been skewed - the thinking and rationalizations that have supplied me with reasons not to pursue more aggressive means. I have friends to thank for challenging me. God works in powerful ways. I think at this point he may be shouting.

A lesson tearfully learned this week - I have great fears to overcome. I must overcome. I will overcome. Only with God's grace.

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful. 
-Joshua J. Marine
To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe.
- Anatole France
The strength of the heart comes from the soundness of the faith. 
- Saudi Arabian Proverb

No comments: