Baby dust

So my OPK kits came with a little pouch of pink, blue, silver, and purple confetti. This is baby dust. Hope is good. Disappointment is bad. I am driven by hope these two weeks in waiting. With 3 days left. Only time will tell.

I feel crazy. I am having a hard time expressing my feelings about these last few days before AF is due to arrive. Maggie is being a great friend letting me talk to her about my thoughts and I hope she feels the same about me. I would like to think I'm nauseous because I'm expecting. I would like to think my temp dipped because of implantation. I would like to think that pregnancy test today had the most finest, finest positive. I would like to think my cervix is soft and high because Im expecting. Your mind and heart can play games with you...

On God's time and by God's grace.

Coping.... or lack there of

Thursday and Friday were very exciting days. After a small fiasco between Jason and I (we couldn't decide who should give the injection and changed our minds a couple of times because we were both so chicken), we went to our appointment for our first IUI on Friday afternoon. I was so nervous that I literally thought I was going to puke in the biohazard bin. I think I've been reading too much about how it hurt and oh the terrible cramping and such, but it wasn't bad at all. The worst part was the waiting. We've never had to wait a minute past our appointment time, and even when we arrive early, they will more often than not see us. But not on the most nerve racking day since we've been going there. So basically, I had plenty of time to get my nerves worked up. Dr. M-L did the procedure, which I was very thankful for since I didn't know the other doctors and it was my first IUI.

On Saturday, we weren't seen until almost an hour after our appointment time. The clinic had lost the consent to thaw forms so I had a to sign a new one 15 minutes before the IUI was supposed to be done, which meant they hadn't even starting thawing it, much less the wash and prep. But for a moment when the nurse came out, I thought there was a problem with the specimen and we would be losing out on today somehow. And to add to that, I knew that the doctor on call for the weekend was a man, so I was extremely nervous about that. I've never had a male gyno, so I wasn't too keen on having one snoop around down there now. Thankfully, he was so nice, that I really forgot about it. I had purposely worn the most ridiculous socks that I could find in an effort to spark conversation and make the doctor laugh to make me less nervous. It worked. He started on my socks, the pronunciation of my last name, introduced himself by "Andy Toledo" instead of Dr. Toledo -- essentially had far better bedside manner than Dr. Mitchell-Leef. After it was over and I confessed how nervous I had been about it and told him that he had hurt far less than the IUI yesterday, he said "that's because you have to have a man do it." Something about being much less rough. Anyhow, he really was so nice and propped my head up so that I would be comfortable for the 20 minute wait and my hips up for good measure with the IUI. Part of me wishes he would do the procedure every time, but I'm not super thrilled about the prospect of switching doctors; and I'm hopeful that I won't have to do an IUI again for a few years.

Trying to cope is the hardest thing in the world. I have been so hopeful and excited since CD 1 this month. I guess I was always looking forward to the next task, monitoring, appointment, or medication. But now, there's really just waiting.... for two weeks. And somewhere in the last two days, I've lost some of that hopefulness. I guess it's hard to imagine that the IUI could result in something so incredible that could be going on my body right now. I find myself counting the hours since my last insemination, wondering if the sperm are still swimming around, trying to find my egg, if my egg is where it should be, etc. Friday night and last night I even tried to lay mostly on my left side during sleep so that gravity might help the sperm towards the more active of my ovaries. Kind of silly, I know. I'm nauseated as hell thinking about everything, wishing I could be as excited as I was before. This is going to be a very long two weeks. I think there's been more stress in the last few days than there was even when we found out the news. Maybe I'm just blowing it all out of proportion, but I find myself wanting to break down every 2 hours. So right now, I am just trying to cope.

Ovidrel TONIGHT!

So just over an hour ago, I got my positive LH surge! On the way home from work, I was on the phone with Calee. She was headed to class and had to go, but I told her that I'd be home in 20 minutes to do my OPK and I'd text her with the news.

I was so pumped when I saw the smilie face that I really didn't believe it! You'd think that damn thing was a positive pregnancy test the way I yelped when I saw the smilie. I think the ClearBlue Easy people need to make a smilie face pregnancy test too. I realize that not all pregnancies are happy news, but it would only add to my joy when I finally get a positive result. I take that back. I'm not really sure there's anything that could add to it.

Anyhow, I had to take a picture of it so that my hubby could see, because the results only flash for 8 minutes. Tonight he gives me the Ovidrel injection and I get IUI tomorrow and Saturday! (And yes, that's a dog hair on the tester. It happens around here:) )

Baby dreams

I haven't had a dream about a baby in a long time. Before we found out about our male factor infertility, I would dream about babies all the time. After the news, my subconscious just didn't have any hope I guess. My subconscious has hope again & what a wonderful feeling. I thought I would share the three dreams I had last night. Simple and not meaningful probably to anyone but me.

The first one was in a big bedroom with fancy, plush covers. I think it was red with gold trim and gold sheets. I was laying on the bed with the baby watching TV. The baby feel asleep but I didn't want to leave them there. That's all I remember.

The next was me and my brother in a car & I didn't know how to hook up the baby in the car seat. I was getting anxious, but then I made a funny face at the baby and she/he smiled back at me. And I thought to myself, I can do this.

The final one is the weirdest one, I was actually the physician in this dream. There was a couple (two women) with a baby. One woman was upset and rambling about how people think they can't be good parents. The baby is crying in the bassinet under the window. I remember her pacing the room and me shaking my head. She then said its because we are two ladies. I told her no & that there are other things she should look at. This angered her.

Horay for my left ovary!

Today is CD 12. I am five days behind my very best friend, Calee, as we document together. What is amazing to me is the timing of it all: everything has been so nearly exact that it is frightening. Everything from purchasing our homes and vehicles to the discovery of our male factor infertility. It's quite scary. I really shouldn't tell her she's flicted. It just reflects poorly on me.

Though we doubt a lot, Calee and I never doubt why we became so close when we did, and not a minute sooner. Neither of us would have been ready (or even needed) a friendship on this level. And right now, I am realizing that for both of us (all four of us!) this cycle holds more hope than any before it. As Calee puts it, "all the factors are in place." Nothing is missing. Actually, I think she said "all the ingredients are here." And though we took slightly different paths on our fertility journey, the possibility is there that our due dates could be six days apart. INSANE.

I'm still not at a point where I can ask God for exactly what I want. So right now, I still pray for the strength for what He does bring my way. But you know what I can pray for and not feel a bit selfish?? I can pray for Calee & Ryan's success, because I know that no matter what happens, I could not be jealous. It's impossible to know what they have been through, to have been through what they have been through and begrudge them of it. But I can be thankful of today's news.....

I have six follicles! My left ovary loves Clomid. I have one 1.7cm, three 1.3cm, and one 1.0 cm on my left ovary; one 1.0 cm on my right ovary. The three medium size ones might or might not catch up with the larger follicle, but it's apparently not something I need to stress about. If I get a positive OPK, I give the trigger shot that night. If not, I give it Friday night, with or without a damn smilie face. And that makes me smile. :)

CD 16 & waiting for a temp rise

Last month was a disappointment because we missed my surge and didnt inseminate. I had an almost positive on CD 14, but since it was my first time using the OPKs and Clomid I continued to wait for a darker line. CD 15 I had some right sided pain, but was still thinking it was a false alarm given the lack of positive OPK. Then CD 16 my temperature began to rise telling me I had already ovulated. So I researched the discussion groups to find that some women will not have a full positive and that you have to learn what your pattern is that indicates your LH surge. So our failure last month proved helpful this month.

Although I am waiting for my temp rise to verify that ovulation has occurred, this same pattern happened this month, but we took the almost positive as a positive on CD 14 (7pm was the "peak") and proceeded to inseminate twice within 48 hours afterwords. My first true 2W&W where all the factors are aligned. Only time will tell. I'll take any % chance over 0% chance.

Ryan's participation in the process was beautiful & better than I could have imagined. Once we finished, I was thinking about how I could do this every month for months if that is what it takes. I was completely at peace with it.

Praying for a smilie face...

Today we bought a box of OPKs at Target. When I informed my nurse practicioner at our last appointment that I was worried about the LH surge because I had never been able to detect it before, she suggested we purchase the digital kind of OPK. We did, and it seems easy enough-- if you have no surge that day, you get a blank circle-- if you do have a surge, you get a smilie face. How appropriate! I know if it happens I'll be jumping for joy, calling Dr. M-L to set up an appointment for my IUI the next day and stressing about giving myself the injection that night.

That much I know. What I haven't figured out yet is how to go about your normal day NOT thinking about whether or not you're going to get a smilie face when you pee on a stick an hour after you get home. How on earth is anyone supposed to understand that? As I've said before, we've become pretty adept at pretending nothing is going on, but this gets into another whole territory.

Before when I've used the kits, it was more for practice when we were getting ready to do the at-home ICI. They were Target brand and $15/box. These gosh dang things are $30/box, which is a little ridiculous, but the fact that I am about 16 hours from spending over $400 at the pharmacy tomorrow puts it in perspective.

My cognitive behavioral therapy session with myself. Blogging is SO much cheaper than a therapist...

I thrive on those things in life that are not easy. I usually love to rise to an occasion and do that which seems difficult. I like to feel productive & useful. I don't like to feel self absorbed or bored, but accomplished. I live my out my career and marriage with only one goal - No regrets.

Why should infertility be any different? Why can I not step up to the plate and go for it? Make the fertility clinic appointments. Isn't it logical to say NO to work and YES to my future family? There is logically no better time than now given my career. I have been trying to figure out what is really holding me back. My thoughts are fear of failure and fear of what others will think. The fear of failure is on many, many levels. The fear of failure is ultimately defined by my ridiculous expectations I have for myself. (I have a goal to flesh these out more in the future). Fears that haven't stood in my way before, but do now... In my past experiences, these fears have served to motivate me, why is this different? I say my priorities are my family, but I am not practicing what I preach. Who am I to deny my youthful self and my dear husband of this opportunity out of fear?

I have got to catch myself as my thinking has been skewed - the thinking and rationalizations that have supplied me with reasons not to pursue more aggressive means. I have friends to thank for challenging me. God works in powerful ways. I think at this point he may be shouting.

A lesson tearfully learned this week - I have great fears to overcome. I must overcome. I will overcome. Only with God's grace.

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful. 
      
-Joshua J. Marine
To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe.
      
- Anatole France
The strength of the heart comes from the soundness of the faith. 
      
- Saudi Arabian Proverb

Ovaries, please cooperate....

Day Five. I think I feel twinges in my ovaries. Maybe. It might be my imagination, which I imagine has become fairly creative as of late. I have only taken 200 mg of Clomid and another 100 due tonight. But I promise you that little sharp, short pains are happening on both sides. I would have previously been unsure that I even knew exactly where my ovaries are -- but ever since the laproscopy and I realized that the pains in my right side every month actually were something (my right ovary ovulating or at least trying to) -- I am positive that my ovaries are there. And that they are sore. I know that is wishful thinking, but if wishful thinking produces big fat follicles and lots of them, then who cares?

CD 1 finally arrives

So, my new cycle came on Friday, which was very exciting for us, as it means that the cycle we attempt IUI is finally here. I say finally like we've been waiting for a decade for this or something, but really only a little over a year all-in-all.

I called the clinic and in a flurry of activity we were directed to come to the clinic by 1pm same day. Keep in mind, we live two hours away from our clinic and both Jason and I were at work on very busy days. We managed to shake free and got there with 20 minutes to spare.

The Clomid check u/s looked great and the blood pregnancy test was negative (duh - I had a D&C exactly three weeks prior) so that means that tomorrow night (CD 3) I start 100 mg of Clomid for five days! They gave us a ton of information as usual, but I am trying to take it one "chunk" of time at a time. The nurse practicioner just told me to relax and that all I had to focus on for now was taking the Clomid as directed and she'd see me again in 11 days to check follicle size and give me some more direction about the other medications (Ovidrel, Doxycycline, & Endometrin). So really, this is the easy part of it all I guess. I'm also pretty anxious about the LH predictor kits. I've never been able to detect a surge with them. Hopefully the Clomid with change all that. Either way, she said she'd give me date to give myself the shot even if I haven't detected a surge by that point. I'm hoping and praying for a detectable surge to up my chances.

Things I am Thankful for:

In the spirit of being so utterly down after finding out another (very young) friend is pregnant the day after a mindlessly boring and depressing baby shower, I decided that I needed a reminder for all the things I am thankful for. Here goes.

• My husband
• Calee - she's the only person outside my marriage who understands it all on every level
• my parents and in-laws (they're going to be great grandparents if it ever happens)
• my house
• my health
• my job

That's all I've got right now, but I'll work on it.