Back to real life (7 days since trigger)

Jason and I just got back from our super-speedy trip up North. We went to celebrate his grandmother's birthday. I was absolutely dreading the trip but when it came time to leave I suddenly wished our flight back would get canceled due to bad weather.... for a lot of reasons.

First of all, his family was so incredibly gracious and uplifting to be around. Second, I got really attached to one of Jason's cousin's 5 year old twins (boy/girl). The little girl absolutely loved me, and that says a lot. (Children don't usually care for me and they certainly don't make a habit of following me around.) But the third and most important reason I didn't want to leave is that I hardly thought about whether or not I was pregnant! Well, when I say "hardly" that means only 30 times per day instead of 30 times per hour!

Another of Jason's cousins has a 10 month old set of twin girls (apparently they're pretty common in his family) and Jason and I got to play with them. It was the first time I had ever seen Jason excited about holding a baby and it was incredible. It didn't even make me sad or jealous that they had something we didn't. I try my best now not to assume that people just had the easiest time in the world getting pregnant. For all I know, they went through what we are going through now.

The only time I got a smidge upset was when they were taking pictures of Jason's grandmother's sons and their offspring-- "generational shots" I guess you could call them. Anyway, Jason's uncles (grandma had all boys) each had 10 (at a minimum) people in their shot. But when it came to us, it was a lonely five. Grandma, Jason's parents, Jason, and me. Jason is an only child, and at 27, everyone began asking us when we were going to get on the ball. I leaned over and whispered to Jason and his mother that "this crew just isn't as prolific as the rest of you all!" Jason's mother got a kick out of that because it took her ten years to have Jason, so she knows the heartache of infertility. Well, that and the fact that we just shared with her early last week that we were actually actively trying to get pregnant and undergoing fertility treatments.

Tomorrow is back to work, back to counting down the latter half of the 2ww. Yay, how very thrilling. Jason is even going to be out of town when I start my pregnancy testing insanity. Probably better for him. Now we've just got to figure out who's going to scoop the litter box while he's gone for four days!

CD 12 update

Today is CD 13, and yesterday was my midcyle u/s appointment. Right ovary is trying to be the baby-maker this time: one dominant follicle at 1.6cm. The left ovary had four: three at 1.2cm and one at 1.0cm. Lining measured 9.4mm.

We also talked about injectibles (if this cycle fails). Jason had previously wanted to to try one more month of Clomid, since RE was willing to let us try. I am super impatient though and was ready to move it up to the big scary drugs. But we were unsure if Jason's being a cheap-ass or my being so baby hungry was interfering with out decision making skills. We wanted to make the decision for a good reason, so we asked out NP what she would do. She said that based on my dominant follicles [very dominant with the closest in size being at least two days (.4cm) behind the largest] that she would go with injectibles. That will give my ovaries a chance to produce several of the same sizes so that the sperm will have "more targets." This of course also increases the risk of multiples. Which of course would be perfectly ok by me, but I am not the one that is the main provider for the family, so I can understand how Jason might not be so thrilled about the prospect of twins.

I am desperately trying to have some faith in my body this cycle. For some reason, I just keep thinking, "well next month when we're on injectibles..." when I really should be focusing on this cycle. Or maybe not. Maybe that makes it easier if/when this cycle is not successful. It's not like I am overjoyed about the idea of injections EVERY night and having to spend four hours per day in the car for u/s monitoring. So what's my deal? Why do I insist that this cycle won't be successful??? I'm getting slightly worried that I am distancing myself from the process a little too much sometimes. However, this morning's near breakdown when I couldn't find a shirt I wanted to wear should be evidence to the contrary. You could say I don't process stress very well, but that would be an understatement.

So right now I am going to focus on not dreading the 2ww and being excited about the potential outcome of what is going on in my body in the here and now. I know one thing is for sure: I need to stop counting weeks of a pregnancy that isn't even here yet!

Cycle#2 - home IUI with clomid - now 2ww

Its nice to have that first cycle of 2 home IUIs behind us. Studies I've read show LH surge in serum approximately 12 hours before urine detection of LH surge & ovulation 24 hrs after urine detected LH surge. As you can see below, my physiology follows quite closely.

Mid-cycle Timeline
LH surge, urine- CD 14 12pm (noon)
IUI #1 - CD 14 at 11pm ( 11 hours after urine LH surge)
Right sided ovulatory pain CD 15 10:30am - 12:30pm
IUI #2 - CD 15 3:45pm (28 hours after urine LH surge)

Now for another 2ww. Lets hope I can keep myself busy and not think about it too much. Yeah right.

Just as a logistical note, we could only get the catheter about 5 - 5.5 cm into the cervix. We are unsure if this distance was enough to ensure that we were at the top of the uterine cavity. We know the insemination cannot be any less effective than the intravaginal insemination we did last month regardless. We are trying not to stress about it. Hey, this isn't our day jobs after all, ya know. We're amateurs.

Here we go again. CD 14 surge

So this surge was different than my last two cycles. This is my first true positive. How cool. Only weird thing is my EW CM is gone today (it was copious Sun night and Mon). I dont know if we should do the first IUI tonight or tomorrow AM. Erg... I'll update soon.

I'm so over birthdays!

So a few days ago my birthday came. I did not anticipate being depressed about turning another year older, but yet, here I am and another birthday has passed without becoming a mother. If you had asked me when I was in high school or college at what age I would/would want to be a mom, I would have said 24 or 25. Yeah. That has come and gone. When I woke up the morning of my birthday, all I wanted to do was burst out in tears. And this went on ALL DAY LONG. Thankfully, I finally got my chance when company left and I was able to have my pity party without an audience.... well.... almost. Jason did come in and disturb the flow of tears when he decided I needed a "shower buddy" for a birthday gift. It made me smile though, and I needed that.

The next day, I was perfectly fine. Over the whole thing. So here's hoping that this year, Ryan (the Steve Irwin of cervixes), Calee, Jason and I don't have to go another birthday without a baby at least on the way! My birthday was the first to pass of 2008, and let's hope that when the others roll around, we have much more reason to celebrate!

Successful cervix hunting

Ryan and I had a large milestone this evening. Our IUI catheters came in last week & our much anticipated specula earlier this week. I wanted to wait a few days after my HSG before we explored. We had the enormous task of finding my cervix with the specula in preparation for IUI next week. I was a little nervous for Ryan. This is a huge task that I have gotten us into & he knows that I am comfortable with the plans, but he is the one that is going to have to carry it out.

So we get the instruments: speculum, flash light, and mirror. Ryan is already grossed out. He was like, "I hope this doesn't ruin sex for me." I thought it was funny. So we get in position. I place the specula while he holds the mirror. The first time I opened the speculum we didn't see anything but CM and the walls. I tried to readjust with no luck. Ryan was already discouraged, but he was hanging in there. I took it out and reinserted it. As soon as I opened the blades, Ryan excitedly says, "I see it !!!" So he moved the mirror so I could see better and there it was in all it's glory. We were both smiling ear to ear. I just wanted to look at it for a view minutes. He was like, "I can definitely get it [the catheter] through there." Apparently, he thought it was going to be much smaller. So it will be my job to get it in view & he will do the rest.

We still haven't decided if we should do two inseminations or just one this cycle. I am leaning toward one, but we have a week to decide.

CD 3 update

I wish I could find the excitement that I had last cycle. It's really funny how different my two Clomid check u/s appointments have been. Last month, when I started my period, I was thrilled. In fact, I wash shaking and sick at my stomach the entire two hour drive. This cycle, day one was on Sunday, so I called my RE as soon as they opened yesterday morning. No hooplah. Jason couldn't even come with me because of car trouble and a work situation. It didn't really bother me though. But it is nice to have someone to talk to about the whole thing when that's all you can think about and your best friend is busy trying to graduate :)

Calee and I have scootched a day closer cycle wise this time. That's kind of fun. She's on day 7 and I'm on day 3, which means I start taking my Clomid tonight. Hmmm, see even taking Clomid was fun last cycle. It was something new and different and I felt I was doing something effective and proactive about my fertility. This time it's just kinda ..."oh, I am supposed to start Clomid tonight, I guess that means I need to go pick up my meds." The pharmacist wish me luck. It's pretty hilarious when your pharmacist knows more than your own parents do about the major things going on in your life.

Here are some of the really good things about starting when I did this month:
I didn't have to worry about the chemicals I was cleaning my house with for the party I had for some friends on Saturday. I was able to have two beers and a glass of wine at the party. Jason and my two hour flight to visit family at the end of the month will not interfere with my ovulation. I'll be in my 2ww and just have to take my progesterone tablets with me. I'm thinking it will be good for me to take a flight right in the middle of my 2ww. Honestly. Instead of worrying whether or not I'm having implantation cramping, I can worry about my little 3oz. bottles of toiletries and the two hours it's going to take to get through security and praying to God we don't get snowed in. Or maybe we do get snowed in. That would certainly make it interesting. And you know what I'll be doing to pass the time if we do??? Oh yeah, baby! Peeing on as many pregnancy tests as I can get my hands on! :)

HSG

So I finally got up the nerves to ask my regular OB-gyn if she would do a HSG to check my tube patency & of course (because she's awesome) she said yes. Then on to insurance. Well, they preapproved it. So this AM I went to get it done. It was completely normal & I am very glad that I dont have to worry about those expensive little swimmers being blocked from my eggs. Basically, this just was a way for me to know there was not a confounding factor to would prevent success. BBT charting tells me I ovulate, OPK tells me when, we purchase the little swimmers, the only thing more you need is a path for them to meet. Now we know that they have a path! Lord, give us the strength to hang in there.

March for Ryan & Calee

CD 1 and ready to rock and roll!

My last post was such a downer. This post is definitely an upper. That's how it is - a roller coaster.

So my temperature dropped this AM and AF appeared during my morning trip to the bathroom. I spent some time online yesterday afternoon & decided that I was ready to get a bit more aggressive. I called my OB-gyn today requesting a HSG for my dysmenorrhea. LOL. I have had dysmenorrhea since I was 14, but now is the time to check it out. Mainly because I want to know if my tubes are patent, but she doesnt have to know that. I am pretty sure insurance will pay if dysmenorrhea this the diagnosis. The reason I thought it was a good time to do this is because I thought we could try an at home IUI next cycle. I really think Ryan and I can do it. Being in the medical field, I am thinking if they can do it, why can't I? Plus, if something goes wrong, there is no suing myself. I ordered the goods last night & found a donor that has frozen washed sperm. Maggie thinks I'm crazy probably. No really, she thinks it is a good idea I think. Lets hope my OB-gyn will do the HSG !!!!

Here we go again!

Finding the words

I had sincere hope that Calee and I would be celebrating together this week. Instead, we find ourlselves comforting one another.... as much as one can comfort someone else in this situation.

I would think that going through the same thing would make knowing what to say to another who is suffering much easier. I thought that words of wisdom and encouragement would come naturally. I mean, when our mothers deal with test results and our minds wander again to the threat of cancer, we know what to say to one another. When contracts on first homes fall through, we know what to say. When we doubt ourselves, our career paths, our general abilities in life, even when we need to be uplifted about something as simple as they way we look, Calee and I always know what to say to each other. I hope that, like me, at least she finds reassurance in the fact that I am here: I may not have a damn clue what to say, but I am here.

This is so different from everything -- from anything we've had to endure. When someone passes away, you know that at least there is peace and an end to suffering. Though this is my very first month of this particularly tortuous cycle of hope and disappointment, I imagine that there isn't a lot of peace on the other end. At least I can say now that I know. I can sleep knowing. And that might be its own little sick version of peace. But I don't know how to deal with this "death" every month. There's no funeral where we can go and listen to comforting verses and rest in the knowledge that time will heal. I am positive that time will not heal this ache. I certainly have no idea what to say to the other mourners.

The Void

As I sit on the sofa with my two lovely dogs, feeling quite nauseous from the indian left overs I just consumed, I am reflecting on the past two days. As previously mentioned, this cycle was the first time that we really had everything together - good timing. My AF is due tomorrow & I am CD 30, DPO 15. First signs of AF are here this afternoon & I wonder how tomorrow could be any worse than today.

Yesterday the unthinkable happened. I (with Ryan's verification) received a positive result at 3-10 minutes with Answer Early Pregnancy test. I am freaking, but head off to work. So I remember I didnt take a picture of it so I call Ryan at home to tell him to. He tells me the line is getting more faint. Long story short, by 11pm the same night the line was gone & the internet had almost completely convinced me it was negative (something called a 'disappearing positive which equates to negative), but my next morning urine would for sure tell the truth. (I went and bought two other brands so that I could test all three together - my own little experiment) All 3 BFN. Gotta love it.

So I was doing okay until I got in the car to head home. All the sudden, I am thinking, "I need Ryan to take me to a nice restaurant" and "What can I go buy to make me feel better?" or the best one "A bottle of Cab would fix me right up." Then it hits me. I have a void. A void that I try to fill every month disappointment after disappointment with material things and ways to escape and not feel the feelings that I am so tired of feeling. I just want to be happy again. Not like smilely happy, but complete. Complete and content. I want to look forward to coming home. I want to look forward to my off time. I want to not resent the world and (although I hate to admit it) my God for not letting us have a family and have something to look forward to. I try to thank God everyday for all the blessings He has given me, I have been trying to leave things in his hands, but then everything creeps back into my mind & there I am burdened. Burdened with the what ifs and the how comes. There has been nothing in my life that has ever, ever affected me this much. (I love roller coasters, but damn this emotional roller coaster has about got the best of me today). I am usually what I consider to be a good coper, but I am questioning that today.

So life does go on. The question is how do I enjoy it during this process? How do I keep hope and faith in spite of being let down on the deepest level? How do I not think about it?